It has been 4 days since I was destroyed; since we were destroyed.  I've been slowly trying to pick up the pieces again.  Here's a rundown of how these past days and nights have been:

Day 1

I didn't sleep.  I came home from driving all night, trying to keep my composure and letting it sink in.  When I reached the door, my mom opened it before I could get my keys out.  I said, "Ivanna broke up with me."  She replied, "You forgot to buy the cream for the Creme' Brulee."  I said it again, and she said "The cream, you forgot to get some."  I said it one more time and finally I broke down.  I started this endless sobbing into my mom's arms.  Its been at least a decade and a half, maybe a little less, since I've cried in my mother's arms like that.  It still felt good after all these years.

After, I headed up to my room to try to sleep.  The pictures in my room began to remind me of the good times we had, but also made me yearn for her.  We had a lot of good times.  The night we broke up was epic, so epic that the winds that seemed to take all I wanted and loved also took out the AT&T network.  Everytime I wanted to call her, I couldn't.  The call would simply fail.  I wouldn't even get a ring.  It would just try to dial for about 2 minutes, and finally fail.

A little after noon, I decided to sign on facebook to try to delete her from my friends.  I couldn't.  She was waiting for me apparently.  But, that wasn't the reason I couldn't.  We started talking on the facebook chat application.  It was hard, but felt a lot better than trying to keep my sanity alone.  She offered me vareneky.  I accepted and told her to come over so we can talk.

We talked.  It was heartbreaking, again.  I felt better when she was there, though, as soon as she was gone, I crumbled yet again.

That night I went over to my friend Carl's house.  We played some Rock Band 2 on XBox 360 eventually, after I explained to most of them what had happened.  It was funny, and sad how the song's lyrics became so significant.  No Doubt's "Don't Speak" was everything the Saturday night's breakup was, and I sang harder when it came on.  All the emotion and inevitability was there.  Don't speak, I know just what your saying.  So, please stop explaining.  It seemed stupid yet appropriate to, but I cried.

Day 2

Its Monday.  I didn't sleep again.  I returned a book to her before I started my day.  Her brother answered the door, and he wasn't surprised to see my disappointment.  I looked at him, trying to keep it all in, and said, "Take Care, man", both of us knowing at some level we would never see each other again. 

I had to work, and thought that it would be good for me since it would keep me busy.  There was one fatal flaw to my logic.  My job requires no focus or concentration whatsoever.  Its mindless.  Consequently, I had all 8 hours of work to think about the loss, the hurt and pain, and mostly the future or what slim chance I had of recovering from this.  It was only 2 days since the breakup.  I think I was asking too much of myself.

At some point, the pain was too much to continue with work, so I left and drove home.  I called my friends to see what they were doing.  I knew I needed to keep busy.  I went out with them to a bar.  I ate some food even though I had no feeling of hunger since that day.  I was just eating, well, to sustain life, I guess.  I explained to these friends what happened.  I realized that even though my friend Sean means well, it never helps to tell him anything.  He just blurts out anything that comes into his head, and most of the time its nonsensical.

We left and went to Birmingham for coffee at Java Hut.  I was mostly silent throughout the visit and just let the guy start up a banter.  I ran into this douchebag who used to date my friend Christine.  We all disliked him.  I don't remember if he was a bad boyfriend, but he surely was a bad human being.  One who even after breaking up with Christine on bad terms, spent years hounding her, breaking her down.  I looked at myself and wondered if thats what I was or if I'd ever get to that point.  Desperation will do a number on your personality.  I wasn't desperate.  Not yet, at least.

After leaving, we stopped at Joe Kool's so I can give a belated X-mas gift to a now out-of-town friend.  We didn't stay long.

I drove home, well, started to.  Ivanna lives literally less than 5 minutes from my house.  Proximity was not helping the pain or my logic to stay away.  I drove by her house, and her room light was on.  I stayed in front contimplating whether I should call, or text, or do nothing.  I eventually tried calling.  She eventually picked up, but was on the other line with my "better third", Anthony.  We tried merging calls like we always do, but something was wrong with the network as there was an immense amount of static and extra noise.  It was almost like a sign that things aren't right.  Anthony told me to talk to her and that he will after or tomorrow.

We talked.  I was down on myself for not trying harder to stay away. She told me not to be.  She knew it was hard.  It was hard for both of us.  I knew that she cared for me, and loved me, but wasn't in love with me.  I didn't know what to do, so I kept her on the phone.  It felt better as it always does talking to her.  We decided that we shouldn't talk to each other on the phone or through emails as it may hinder our progress.  We will write letters.  She said it will help because we can say what we need to say, read it whenever we want, and there's still a lot of distance.  I told her about my day, and she told me about hers.  I constanty asked her if I could see her.  But, she was strong enough to resist.  It shows me a sign that she's getting over me a lot quicker than I am her.  It made me sad, but its good for her.  I should be happy for her, and I am, but not for myself.  I know that sounds selfish.

I drove home and tried to sleep.

Day 3

It was another sleepless night.  I had a half-dream about one of the first times I met her.  After the end of a Radiohead concert in Cleveland, we started running toward the car to get out before the crowd.  Ivanna grabbed Anthony's hand, and Anthony grabbed mine, and we started dashing in a chainlinked format.  The crowd was thick and felt like a Lord of the Rings battlefield as we dodge in and out through the obstacles.  I looked around at the crowd, then, looked up at the hand that I was holding.  Anthony had disappeared and Ivanna in his place.  I grasped her hand tightly.  We lost gripped and I was swallowed by a faceless crowd.  It seemed that they were all staring at me, knowing I was there and knowing I needed help but only making it worse.  It was suffocating me.  The very last image of the dream was a face and a pair of hands reaching out to me.  The face I loved, and the hands that I lost.  In the end, we were both reaching for each other, but just not quite getting there.

I got up to start my day, but was very weak.  The lack of sleep was taking it's toll on me.  Before getting into the shower, I turned my laptop and read her livejournal.  I responded to a couple of her posts, and found an old post of her's on my page.  It was this stupid time when I wanted to see how long we could not have contact with each other.  A test that didn't even last a day.  I certainly got what was coming to me for that one.  I responded to the post.  It seemed really whiny and desperate when I read it over again. 

I started iTunes and ran a playlist before I hopped into the shower.  The songs were good, but the alphabetical song order setting set the next track to one that I think could've been our wedding song if we ever got married.  "By the way they dance" by Jump! Little Children was the song.  It hit me so hard, hard enough to knock me to my knees in the shower.  Here's the song:

And the one step and he's sliding
And the two steps and she's gliding
3 and the 1 and the 2
And then they float in the air

Side to side and she shows him
Back and forth cause she knows him
Round and round again
All that see them can't help but stare

Cause everyone knows they're in love
Everyone knows they're in love
Yes and everyone knows they're in love
By the way they dance

Cheek to cheek cause he needs her
Hand in hand as he leads her
Face to face cause they know
They'll never dance alone

Cause everyone knows they're in love
Everyone knows they're in love
Yes and everyone knows they're in love
By the way they dance

By the way she moves in circles
Ever so sweetly she wins him completly
By the way he holds her so gracefully
The hand that he lends her is able and tender
Never a step to chance
Cause everyone knows they're in love
By the way they dance

Cause everyone knows they're in love
Everyone knows they're in love
Yes and everyone knows they're in love
By the way they dance

Cause everyone knows they're in love
Everyone knows they're in love
Yes and everyone knows they're in love
By the way they dance

I wondered if we looked like we were in love when we danced.  It felt like we were.

I got to work eventually, and decided to start writiing my first letter.  It was interrupted many times over due to customers flooding the store.  The pain from the previous day that set in once work started was subsiding when I started writing the letter.  It pretty much just outlined the past day and some recent events, like a long time customer coming in and me confiding in him only to be told that I was dumped because my breath smells like garlic all the time.  He told me to always carry breath mints or gum.  That son of a bitch.  Ha ha.

I got out of work, and started driving home.  I remember Ivanna saying to call someone else when I have the urge to call her.  So I did.  I called everyone on my phone that I've ever wronged or held a grudge against. I called Stephanie Luft, a girl who I was infatuated with for the better half or my high school and a little piece of my college careers.  I told her I was sorry for being a dick any time I was.  However, there was one more name on the list of people to call.  It was the last one who broke my heart.  The one which took a year to get over.  Mary.  I made a decision for myself: I have to let go of the petty things in my life, the heart break and bitterness from past relationships if I'm ever going to become a better person.  I knew that if Ivanna never came back, I would never live it down without letting go of my past, not forgetting it, but making it okay to live with.  So, after I finished the letter, I mailed it and drove to Cafe' Sushi where Mary worked.  I was determined to find her there and tell her, everything is cool and that I should have forgiven her a long time ago.  However, she wasn't working.  So, I stayed anyway and had some delicious sushi that I haven't eaten in a year.  I think it still was a big step to go in there to try to confront her.  I would just call her, but she was significant enough to tell her face to face.

I left the restaurant and drove around for hours.  Almost as if I was searching for Ivanna.  I drove up and down the streets of Royal Oak, Birmingham, Ferndale and Warren.  I drove by her house and her car wasn't there.  I know this sounds creepy, but like I said proximity doesn't help.  I drove by her house around 1 in the morning or so.  I parked about a block away so she wouldn't hear my car.  I left an empty cat-shaped bottle of wine next to her car.  It was a gift from my annual Frankenmuth trip I bought her.  I couldn't keep it and needed it with her and not in sight.  I struggled not to call.  I didn't.  I drove home, and tried again to sleep.

Day 4

No sleep was acquired, yet again.  I tried sleeping at 3 in the morning last night.  I didn't look at the clock until about 8:30 this morning (an hour and a half ago).  This morning was particularly hard for some reason.  I didn't want to get up and face the day but I didn't want to close my eyes because all I saw was her.  I was excited that I didn't have work today and would get to sleep in.  I guess that doesn't matter when you have a broken heart and insomnia.

Its New Year's Eve.  Every New Year's Eve for the past 5 or 6 years have been depressing for me.  Either because I was just getting out of a relationship or because I had none to begin with.  It never starts off that way.  I always set out to have a good time, but something, whether it be an uninteresting conversation or just a little time to think in between greetings, separates me from the group and I just look out into the night sky, not even realizing that I had missed the ball drop.  I remember thinking months ago that this year was going to be different.  This year, I'll have someone of my own, who I love, who I'll get to kiss for the new year.  That someone was Ivanna.  

It's 10 in the morning.  My day hasn't even started.  It's several hours before anything happens in terms of festivities.  Right now, I think today and tonight are going to be the hardest times.  I will see if I have the strength.